"There are over 100 battered women in Lawrence County...and all this time I've been eating mine plain."
- A.J. Fortuna, 1999
"I guess that means I'm mathematically kinky."
- Dr. James Hall, 1998
"To pose is the root of all evil. Never impose, suppose, repose, and prepose! Beware of all posers!"
- Crazy guy in the New Castle Pizza Hut, 1999 (Messrs. Mike Morris & Kevin Bell will attest.)
"The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and
apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation."
- Lew Mammel, Jr.
"I never meta-Turing test I couldn't pass."
- John Bonomo, in response
This guy couldn't find his ass if you packed it with radium and handed him a Geiger counter.
- A.J. Fortuna, 2000
"I don't integrate properly...I integrate quick & dirty."
- Dr. Carolyn Cuff, 1999
"It was about the Cuban Express going into Tuna Town."
- A.J. Fortuna, 1998, on the Starr Report
"The steady state of disks is full."
- Ken Thompson
"I'll have everything returned to you by Friday, or else my name isn't John Ackley."
- John Bonomo, 1999, in AI
"Wow -- the Internet is a cross between a place containing information about almost any knowledge and Howard Stern. You would believe some of the really weird things I've seen in my search for a good affordable gas mask."
- Keith Niedfeldt, 1999
"I seem to have something stuck in my teeth..."
- Jim Krenn as Paul Long (WDVE), 1996
"That's all mathematics is...if you can't solve it, name it."
- David Evanoff, 1998
"He got tongue."
- Kenny Mayne of ESPN Sportscenter, about Michael Jordan, 1998
"Micro$oft is bad. Micro$oft causes problems."
- Matt Fuller, 1997
"If we have a joint....[probability]"
"We would smoke it."
- Dr. Carolyn Cuff & G. Gollinger, 1997
"What kind of man plays bridge? PLAY POKER! It's a man's game! It e
ven sounds manly! POKER!! 'POKE-HER!!!'"
- A.J. Fortuna, 1999, on Bonomo-Hickman-Lightner-Martin lunchtime bridge games
"We never put out anything shoddy."
- Bill Gate$, Newsweek interview, from June 23, 1997 issue
"Life always sucks...just that sometimes it's like a Hoover, and sometimes it's like an intern..."
- Matt Fuller, 1999
"OW! Bad little fishie!"
- Clay Stewart, 1997
"Church is stained glass windows and nuns running around with
rulers."
- Det. Michael Logan (Chris Noth); Law & Order, 1994
"I have only one word for any five-year-old who wears makeup [JonBenet Ramsey]....'prostitot'."
- Ben Kelly, 1997
"I'm always on the lookout for a future ex-girlfriend."
- A.J. Fortuna, 1999
"I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck."
- Rob Pike, on X.
"Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be
gone in two years. He was half right."
- Dennis Ritchie
"Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half
wrong."
- Jim Gettys
"If you cheat...I will kill you."
- Dr. Carolyn Cuff, 1997
"What does the NBA need an 'official motor oil' for, anyway?"
"Pat Riley's hair."
- Ryan Dansak & G. Gollinger, 1996
"I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the Demigodic
party."
- Dennis Ritchie
"SADIST!"
- G. Gollinger, 1996, to Dr. Sam Lightner
"Pretty women make us buy beer...ugly women make us drink beer."
- Al Bundy, 1995
"I'd eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from."
- A.J. Fortuna, 1999
"Does 'anal-retentive' have a hyphen?"
- Matt Fuller, 1996, 1997
"This school sucks."
- Thousands of people, since 1852
"A man is like a tree: in a forest of his fellows
he will grow as straight as his generic and individual
nature permits; alone in the open, he yields to the
deforming stresses and tortions that environ him."
- Ambrose Bierce, "The Stranger", 1909
"We find your American beer is like making love in a canoe. It's fucking close to water."
- Eric Idle, 1980
"I have one question for you...BSD or System V?"
- Matt Fuller, 1997
"When in doubt, use brute force."
- Ken Thompson
"Here's to mind over matter. If you don't mind, it really doesn't matter."
- Rob Roy, 199x
"As long as I stand up straight...and don't move...."
- G. Gollinger, 1996, after my first Power Hour (tm)
"Beer. The pussy tastes like shit the next morning, and its harder to pour on cheerios."
- Matt Fuller, 1999, on the timeless man question, "Beer vs. Pussy"
"Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder."
- Anonymous, but I'd like to shake his hand...
"Water? Never touch the stuff. Fish fuck in it."
- W.C. Fields, 19xx
"HYMEN! HYMEN! HYMEN! HYMEN!"
- Ray Greenberg, 1997
"It's not nice to wake a basselope five months early for mating season."
- Rosebud, "Bloom County", 1988?
"Psychologists spend many years figuring out why you're so fucked up...and nobody figures out why they're so fucked up."
- A.J. Fortuna, 1999
"It looked like a tube of Pepsodent...."
- Steve Dallas (before Bloom County), 1979, after accidentally brushing his teeth with KY jelly
"I brought you a suite of applications that all work together..."
"That's unnatural! Be gone!"
- Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light, and Dilbert; 1995
"A conservative is a man who is too lazy to fight and too fat to run."
- Elbert Hubbard (1856-1915)
"COBOL isn't that bad."
- Kristi Peters, 1997. The Duke of Ni went into convulsions immediately after.
"It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers
they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration."
- Edsger W. Dijkstra
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me."
- Hunter S. Thompson