Dec. 14, 1995

My Dearest Peter,
The cute little partridge arrived a little while ago, and the pear 
tree sapling came a little while later. I'm not sure of the
connection, but I love them.

Love always,
Dori

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Dec 15, 1995

Dearest Peter,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two 
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your thoughtful gift. They are 
adorable.

All my love,=20
Dori

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Dec. 16, 1995

Dearest Peter,

Aren't you the extravagent one. Now, I really must protest. I don't
deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling, but
I must insist, you are too kind.

Love,
Dori

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Dec 17, 1995

Dearest Peter,
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
quite beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You are being
too romantic.

Affectionately,
Dori

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Dec. 18, 1995

Dearest Peter,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings - one
for each finger. You are just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,
Dori

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Dec. 19, 1995

Dear Peter,
When I opened the door, there were actually six geese-a-laying on my
front step. So your back to the birds again, huh? These geese are
huge! Where will I keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I
can't get any sleep through all the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,
Dori

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Dec 20, 1995

Pete,
What is it with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans-a-swimming. 
What kind of god-damned joke is this? There is bird shit all over my
house, and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and
I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.

Sincerely,
Dori

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Dec. 21, 1995

O.K. Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 
eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight
maids-a-milking, but they brought along their goddamned cows. There is
shit all over my lawn, and I can't move around in my own house.

Just lay off me,
Dori

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Dec. 22, 1995

Hey Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing,
and do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.

You'll get yours,
Dori

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Dec. 23, 1995

You Rotten Prick,
Now there are ten ladies dancing. I don't know why they call these 
sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now
the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a
river of shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has subpeoned me to give
cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police
in you.

One who means it!

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Dec. 24, 1995

Listen Fuckhead,
What's with the eleven lords-a-leaping on those maids and ladies. 
Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through
the maids and are committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds
are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied you rotten bastard.

Your sworn enemy.
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Dec. 26, 1995

Dear Sir,
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming,
which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Dori
Drawers.The destruction, of course, was total. All further
correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to
reach Miss Drawers at the Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find a
warrant for your arrest.