From ao766@freenet.toronto.on.ca Mon Mar 9 11:51:55 1998 Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 18:31:33 GMT From: Dark Shadow Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.humor, alt.humor, rec.humor, rec.humor.d Subject: Advice TOP TIPS Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards. Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explore by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Bus drivers. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. -- Ian Wood Spread It Around! Sign up to the Internet's elite source, Send E-mail to efreem2@alumni.umbc.edu to join The Field. AOD318 http://www.alumni.umbc.edu/~efreem2 Quote of the times; "The fair request ought to be followed by the deed, in silence." - Dante =========================================================== My Homepage - http://www.jet2.net/~jbaillie ICQ UIN - 4016080 Under United States law, it is unlawful "to use any telephone facsimile machine, computer, or other device to send an unsolicited advertisement" http://www.ca-probate.com/faxlaw.htm Canadian laws against spam: http://www.stopspam.org/usenet/mmf/laws/canada.html A service of Netizens Against Gratuitous Spamming http://www.nags.org/ http://antispam.org/ http://www.cauce.org ===========================================================