From mdyoung@utopia2.com Thu Oct 23 19:31:43 1997 Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 00:25:56 GMT From: Mike Young Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Blasphemous Joke List Welcome to the "Blasphemous Joke List" I try to keep the list updated, so if you have an unlisted blasphemous joke, or if you want a new copy, just email me at: mdyoung@utopia2.com And now, for the jokes.... ************************************************************* Jew dies, goes to heaven. Meets St. Peter at the pearly gates. Gets guided tour of heaven. At one point they come to a huge wall; say's St. Peter, "Sshh." Jew asks why. St. Peter says "On the other side of the wall are the Christians, and they think they're the only ones here." ---------------- Q: What did the lions say when the Emperor of Rome threw the Christians into the arena? A: Yum! ---------------- Up in Heaven, God was feeling tired. He had been a busy deity lately. Anyways, St. Peter suggests he should go on vacation. "Where?", rants God, "I created everything! I know what everything is!!" "Well", replies St. Peter, "Earth is a nice place. You could go there." "Ohh no! Not Earth!", says God, "I went there about two thousand years ago, screwed some chick, and they're *still* talking about it!" ---------------- Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the front desk and says, "Hey, can you put me up for the night?" ---------------- Jesus, hanging on the cross, spots Peter in the crowd at the bottom of the hill. "Peter," he calls. "Peter." Peter hears his name and replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming," and starts up the hill toward the cross. A Roman guard blocks Peter's way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your arm." But Peter says, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me," and tries to pass the guard, who cuts off his arm with a sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter, Peter...", so Peter continues, bleeding and in terrible pain, up the hill toward the cross. Another guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other arm." Peter ignores this, saying, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to pass the second guard, the guard cuts off his other arm with his sword. Jesus calls again, "Peter...," so Peter, getting weak from the pain, continues up the hill. A third guard blocks his way and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your leg." Peter says to the guard, "I must go on, my Lord is calling me." As Peter tries to continue up the hill, the guard cuts off his leg. Peter falls in a heap of pain and blood, but still manages to push and drag himself up the hill toward the cross with his one remaining leg. Jesus calls again, "Peter...Peter..." Peter replies, "I hear, Lord, I'm coming." Another guard steps in front of Peter and says, "Stop, or I'll cut off your other leg." Peter squirms top try to pass the guard, so the guard cuts off Peter's other leg. In excruciating pain, Peter uses sheer willpower to drag his mutilated body to the base of the cross. Panting, he raises his eyes toward Jesus and says, "I am here, Lord. I have answered your call. Jesus looks down at Peter and says, "Peter... I can see your house from here." ---------------- Top 10 Reasons Why Beer Is Better Than Jesus ------------------------------------------------- 10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer. 9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex. 8. Beer has never caused a major war. 7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves. 6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away. 5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer. 4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer. 3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you. 2. You can prove you have a Beer. 1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop. --------------- Jesus, hanging on the cross, raises his eyes toward the heavens and cries, "Father Almighty, please remove these nails from my hands... - WAIT, NO! THE FEET, THE FEET!!" ---------------- Q: What was the last request made of Jesus Christ? A: Hey buddy could you cross your legs? I've only got three nails. ---------------- Q: Why was Christ able to walk on water? A: Shit floats. ---------------- Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street. The first one says to the other: "I haven't come this way before." The second one says: "I know. It's the cobbles." ---------------- Q: Why doesn't Jesus eat M&M's? A: They fall through his hands. ---------------- Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a painting? A: It takes only one nail to hang a painting. ---------------- Q: How can we tell it was a jew who crucified Jesus? A: Who else would tell the guy to cross his legs to save one spike? Q: What do you get when you cross a nun with an apple? A: A computer that won't go down on you! Q: Why were there only 12 apostles at the Last Supper? A: The bread and wine weren't enough, so ... **************************************************************** Keep 'em comin'!! I'm sure the list is just a pale shade of its potential... Always willing to spread the blasphemy - mdyoung@utopia2.com