From marlin.ucsf.edu!news.uoregon.edu!hammer.uoregon.edu!news-xfer.netaxs.com!cam-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!howland.erols.net!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news.mtu.edu!msunews!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!munnari.OZ.AU!news.mel.connect.com.au!news.mel.aone.net.au!news.netspace.net.au!news.mira.net.au!vic.news.telstra.net!news.telstra.net!139.134.5.33! Sun Apr 13 18:02:17 1997 From: "Haigh" Subject: Definitive blonde joke list? Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Message-ID: <01bc4587$122a6100$LocalHost@default> X-Newsreader: Microsoft Internet News 4.70.1155 NNTP-Posting-Host: 139.134.91.205 Date: 12 Apr 97 03:25:49 GMT Lines: 211 Path: marlin.ucsf.edu!news.uoregon.edu!hammer.uoregon.edu!news-xfer.netaxs.com!cam-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!howland.erols.net!newsxfer.itd.umich.edu!news.mtu.edu!msunews!harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au!munnari.OZ.AU!news.mel.connect.com.au!news.mel.aone.net.au!news.netspace.net.au!news.mira.net.au!vic.news.telstra.net!news.telstra.net!139.134.5.33! Xref: marlin.ucsf.edu alt.tasteless.jokes:56017 Q: How do blonde braincells die ? A: Alone. Q: How do you brainwash a blonde? A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer. Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?" "He was on top ", she replied. "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed. The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply. "You will have a baby girl. " said the doctor. With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears. "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc. "Am I going to have puppies ?"..... ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How does a blonde kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists? A: The rest are hunt'n peckers. Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BLONDE THROWS A PIN AT YOU? A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE GOLFER WITH AN IQ OF 125? A: a foursome. Q: WHAT DO YOU GIVE THE BLONDE WHO HAS EVERYTHING? A: Penicillin. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity? A: B.J. Q: What do blondes do for foreplay? A: Remove their underwear. Q: What do blonde virgins eat? A: Baby food. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: WHAT IS BLONDE AND GREEN AND JUMPS FROM BED TO BED? A: A prostitoad. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS? A: A know-it-all bitch. Q: WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY WHEN SHE WOKE UP UNDER THE COW? A: What are you guys still doing here? Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE? A: Third Grade. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: What does a blond say during a porno movie? A: There I am!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some condoms (so she can practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How much for a box of condoms?" "They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax." "Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on." ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q: How does the blonde car pool work? A: They all meet at work at 7:45. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England? A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock. Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ATE MOUNTAIN OYSTERS? A: She was dragged 200 yards. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A: She didn't know what ONE came first... Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex? A1: Their mothers told them not to talk to strangers. Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone? A: Divorced. Q: How can you tell when a blonde is dating a cowboy? A: By the buckle print on her forehead. Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend? A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead! Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries? A: She has a checkbook. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde? A: The prostitute says "Aren't you done yet?" The nympho says "Are you done already?" The blonde says "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige." Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month? A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds." Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids? A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon. A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. Q: Why don't blondes double recipes? A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees. Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists? A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex? A: Opens the car door. Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond? A: Bucket seats. Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last years hide and go seek winner. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme? A: Humpme Dumpme. Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?" Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?" A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!" Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."