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From: slinger5@igs.net (Slinger)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: Weight loss during sex
Date: Sat, 12 Apr 1997 18:32:05 GMT
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THE DIETER'S GUIDE TOT WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX

How much weight do we lose during sex?  The diet
literature explains calories burned while jogging,
playing tennis or golfing, but similar information
concerning sexual activity has, until now, been
unavailable.  Yet, a survey of 206,000,000 people
indicated that 96% devote more time and effort to
sex than jogging, tennis, or golf, and we felt
that the time was right for a new type of sex
manual.

EXAMPLES:

1 hr. intensive foreplay
Burns Off:  1 slice (large) chocolate cake

25 min. nonstop lovemaking
Burns Off:  2 slices of pizza with cheese &
mushrooms

53 min. of kissing partner
Burns Off:  1 cheeseburger with 14 french fries

53 minutes kissing yourself
Burns Off:  Christmas turkey with all the
trimmings


PREPARING THE BEDROOM
Includes setting the snooze alarm and dimming the
lights:  42

ADDITIONAL LAST MINUTE PREPARATIONS
Hiding the sex manual:  3 (calories burned)
Decanting the wine:  4
Without a corkscrew:  268

MAKING THE FIRST MOVE
If you are shy:  15
If you are anxious:  43
If you beg:  100

SEDUCING THE PARTNER
If you are rich (cash):  5
   "   "    "   (credit card:  15
If you are poor:  200

INITIAL BODY CONTACT
Fumbling:  4
Casually rummaging around:  7
Seriously rummaging around:  42

REMOVING CLOTHES
With partner's consent:  12
Without partner's consent:  187
Removing socks by violently shaking feet:  418

AROUSAL AND STIMULATION
Blowing in partner's ear:  15
Blowing in your own ear:  2,512

DISAPPOINTMENT (after seeing partner undressed)
Partner looks better with clothes on:  10
Partner wears corrective underwear:  15
Partner turns out to be of wrong sex:  100
You don't mind:  0.25
Partner wearing elevated socks:  50

DOING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME
Fumbling around:  4
Desperately trying to put something somewhere:  18
Completely missing:  126

POSITIONS
Italian (man on top; woman on bottom):  26
German (facing each other, but in different beds):
48
English (woman on top; man hiding):  15
American (both on top):  1243

AFFLICTIONS
Leg cramp:  36
Making believe you don't have a leg cramp:  612
Sneezing (during intercourse):  7
 "  "  (during orgasm):  588

ASSORTED ACCIDENTS
Toupée slips off (if your partner knew you wore
one): 5
  "  "   "  "  (if partner didn't know):  72
Extinguishing cigarette (in ashtray):  1
  "  "   "  "  (in mattress):  17
  "  "   "  "  (in partner's leg): 133
Calling your partner the wrong name:  50

ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE
Shoes flew off:  15
Expression didn't change:  0.5
Room turned purple:  4
Face turned purple:  78
Earth moved:  30
If earth actually moved:  1,234,588
Moaning in Turkish:  506

THINGS OFTEN SAID AFTER SEX
"I am so grateful": 15
"It must have been something we ate":  15
"Was it good for you?":  15
"Are you finished?":  15

TRYING AGAIN
If woman is ready:  5
If man is not:  563

ROLLING OVER AND GOING TO SLEEP
After sex:  18
During sex:  546
While parking car:  212

SLEEP
Real:  5
Faked (a good way to avoid sex-craved partner): 74

TAKING A BATH TOGETHER
In a bath:  5
In a sink:  150
In a jacuzzi:  15,269

MAKING THE BED
With partner still in it:  44
(indicates either a neatness obsession, a severe
optic disorder, or a partner who is very tired).
With you still in it:  97
(suggests extreme withdrawal and profound
dissatisfaction)

KEEPING A JOURNAL
Maintaining your own record of sexual activity
will be helpful for keeping track of weightloss.
You needn't go into detail, just list the activity
and the number of calories burned.  A typical
entry in a woman's journal (for example) for a
pleasant low-key sexual experience might read as
follows:

June 1st:  Sex with Harold

Explaining how:  12
Suggesting something different:  3
Calming terrified Harold:  40
Encouraging him to at least take off his socks:  8
Foreplay (a little of this;  a little of that): 56
Intercourse (standing position):  22
  "  "   "  (holding Harold up):  10
  "  "   "  (urging him on):  5
Orgasm:  not sure
Thanking Harold:  3
Waving bye-bye:  1
Total time:  six min. (taxi waiting)
Total calories burned:  160

__________________________________________________

Spam control:  To reply to me, take out the number
5 in my e-mail address....Slinger

__________________________________________________


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