Top 50 Things Said In The Math/CS Lab Since The New Images Were Installed Last February
(with G. Gollinger's snappy retorts)

50. How do you login?  (Login icon on right of screen)
49. Why can't I login?  (You didn't click on login)
48. Why can't I logout?  (You never logged in)
47. Why can't I run Microsoft Word?  (You have to login)
46. Why do I have to login to run a program?  ('Cuz Don said so)
45. Why are the people in the Computer Center such dumbasses?  (You said it, I didn't)
44. How do I get to Netscape?  (Looking at Netscape in Windows Folder)
43. How much money do you guys make?  (Not enough.)
42. Why does the computer reboot after I logout?  (See #45)
41. Why won't my computer work?  (It's not on)
40. Why can't I get into the Windows Folder?  (You didn't wait 20 seconds after you logged in)
39. How do I fix that?  (Ctrl-Alt-Delete)
38. What does that do?  (Instigates World War III)
37. Will I get drafted?  (Sure, just remember, "don't ask, don't tell")
36. Why do I have to wait 20 seconds after I login to run Windows?  (See #45)
35. Since, technically, I paid for these computers, do I get to take one back to my dorm?  (Sure, just 
make sure you check with Campus Security)
34. Why can't I run Microsoft Publisher? (We don't have it)
33. Why don't we have it?  (We don't have enough money for the license...and see #45 while you're at it)
32. Why are we still running OS/2 Warp?  (Like I said, see #45)
31. How do I boot up UNIX on this machine?  (UNIX isn't on this machine)
30. But I was just on UNIX on this one yesterday!  (I'm sure you were...it was probably AIX, too)
29. Yeah!  That was it!  (Beam me up, Scotty...there's no intelligent life on this planet)
28. My password doesn't work...(What?  You think I can fix it?  I don't even have root priviledges!)
27. Root priviledges...is that like root beer?  (Uh, yeah, but it's 350 proof)
26. Wow!  I didn't know they had 350 proof!  I didn't know the Computer Center gave out booze, either!  
Damn, this a great school... (So why the hell are you here?)
25. My CS-15 Basic program won't run and I don't know what's wrong with it...(Try going to "run.")
24. I haven't checked my e-mail since last May...do you think I'll have a lot of e-mail messages?  (Nah, 
just about 600...)
23. Why don't they delete the old mail like they said they'll do?  (See #45)
22. How do I copy a file from my N: drive to the Z: drive?  (Go to the DOS window and type "del 
N:\*.*"...oops...)
21. How much will it cost to print out a 100-page thesis for French Literature?  (Oh, just leave me your 
credit card and your signature and I'll get back to you)
20. Can I print this from my UNIX account onto the printers in the NeXT lab in McGill?  (Do I really want 
to be a master proctor?)
19. Can I e-mail this to ALL STUDENTS?  (Sure...make sure you send it to ALL FACULTY as well...)
18. Why are the CC people such dipshits?  (They have Tom "Mother Fuckin'" Chandler)
17. duh.....  (My lord, the football program is getting desperate)
16. Can you help me with my C program?  (I'm not a professor; I don't get paid enough)
15. Can you help me with my COBOL program?  (God couldn't help you with your COBOL program!)
14. I can't get what I want!  (Ooo-kay...)
13. What are all these numbers and shit on the screen?  (It's called a TRAP error)
12. Okay.  Can I hit the reset button?  (NO!!! *click* Oh,shit.)
11. Someone is using the computer with the scanner.  (And...?)
10. Can you throw him off it and put him in the trash can?  (You must be a Republican...)
9. Why do we only have one laser printer per lab?  (They cost $4000 each)
8. Well, that's not that much...  (Then you pay for it)
7. Are all the proctors as helpful as you?  (-begin laughing fool head off-)
6. How do I get this e-mail from my UNIX account to my Groupwise account?  (Go into UNIX, say "rm -rf 
~/mail/Inbox/*; kill -9 %tcsh")
5. What does that do?  (Solves all of your e-mail problems)
4. My God, it just crashed my system!  (See?  Problem solved.)
3. My computer locked up... (That's a $50 fine...)
2. Ctrl-Alt-Delete didn't work... (That's a $200 fine...payable now...)
1 1/2.  Where's logout?  (It's that button on the front of the computer)
1. My account's locked.  Why?  (See #45.)

This list c 1997 by G. Gollinger.

gollingj@westminster.edu
gollingj@keystone.westminster.edu
gollingj@cheese.westminster.edu

http://204.171.15.203/~gollingj