Xref: pilchuck rec.humor:137251 rec.humor.d:3183 Path: pilchuck!entropy1!nwnews.wa.com!ixa.net!news1.chicago.iagnet.net!qual.net!iagnet.net!newsfeed.wli.net!news-out.internetmci.com!newsfeed.internetmci.com!206.221.240.2!news.tor.shaw.wave.ca!newsadmin@tor.sfl.net From: ao766@freenet.toronto.on.ca (Dark Shadow) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.humor,alt.humor,rec.humor,rec.humor.d Subject: Darwin Award Candidates Date: Fri, 27 Feb 1998 19:22:06 GMT Organization: Shaw FiberLink Ltd. Lines: 175 Message-ID: <350d1230.3349793@news.jet2.net> NNTP-Posting-Host: dyn-26.jet2.net Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.5/32.452 Was anyone ever choosen? Anyway, on with the stories... "Darwin Award Candidates" The Queensland, Australia man, 63, and his female companion, 64, were driving along the Newell Highway near Moree, in Northwestern New South Wales, on Wednesday night, police said. Their car crashed into the side of a fully laden, 600 meter long train at a level crossing. The vehicle became wedged between the second last and last carriages and was dragged sideways beside the track as the train continued towards Moree, a police spokeswoman said. After being carried more than a kilometer and a half they approached an unfenced bridge with a 10 meter drop, the spokeswoman said. Moments before they reached the precipice, the car was struck by a pylon, dislodged from the train and spun several times. When it came to rest, the pair managed to free themselves from the wreck with minor bruising and the man set off along the railway line for help. But he slipped on the bridge and fell to his death, the spokeswoman said. The woman was eventually able to raise the alarm and was recovering in Moree hospital with chest njuries. ---------------------------------------------- Miami, FL motorist Alvin Sims didn't notice that his truck had smacked into a utility pole and his passenger was dead until the police stopped his car. Donna Richardson, 29, was hanging her head out of the window of her boy friends 1993 Chevrolet truck early Saturday - she was vomiting - when the truck suddenly veered. Her head slammed a pole and she died instantly, police said Monday. Sims, 36, kept driving. Metro-Dade police said when an officer stopped the truck several miles later - its right mirror and antenna were damaged. Sims told police that he was looking for a hospital because his passenger was sick. "Apparently, he thought he hit a puddle and did not see that he had killed her." ---------------------------------------------- On February 3, 1990, a Renton (Seattle area) man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by his lack of a record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choice: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial fraction of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked King County Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. ---------------------------------------------- Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol to Ken's head instead of a revolver. ---------------------------------------------- MOSCOW, RUSSIA -A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet- proof vest to see if it protected him against the knife. It didn't and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. ---------------------------------------------- Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to hospital, where he died ... of exposure!!! Submitted by Joey Devitz Spread It Around! Sign up to the Internet's elite source, Send E-mail to efreem2@alumni.umbc.edu to join The Field. AOD318 http://www.alumni.umbc.edu/~efreem2 Quote of the times; "The fair request ought to be followed by the deed, in silence." - Dante =========================================================== My Homepage - http://www.jet2.net/~jbaillie ICQ UIN - 4016080 Under United States law, it is unlawful "to use any telephone facsimile machine, computer, or other device to send an unsolicited advertisement" http://www.ca-probate.com/faxlaw.htm Canadian laws against spam: http://www.stopspam.org/usenet/mmf/laws/canada.html A service of Netizens Against Gratuitous Spamming http://www.nags.org/ http://antispam.org/ http://www.cauce.org =========================================================== From ao766@freenet.toronto.on.ca Mon Mar 9 11:19:49 1998 Date: Fri, 06 Mar 1998 07:39:29 GMT From: Dark Shadow Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.humor, alt.humor, rec.humor, rec.humor.d Subject: 1997 Darwin award Nominees NOMINEE 1: San Jose Mercury News - An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut. NOMINEE 2: Kalamazoo Gazette - James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police described as a 'farm-type truck.' Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns 'wrapped in the drive shaft.' NOMINEE 3: Hickory Daily Record - Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear. NOMINEE 4: UPI, Toronto - Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was 'one of the best and brightest' members of the 200-man association. NOMINEE 5: Bloomberg News Service - A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. According to the article, 'He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas.' Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalized. NOMINEE 6: The News of the weird - Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted. NOMINEE 7: The Indianapolis Star - Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited. NOMINEE 8: St. Louis - Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death. 1997 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS Technically, the following persons are not qualified since they didn't remove themselves from the gene pool, but, they sure tried hard! Submitted by . jess_yates @ccmail.uoregon.edu This Column is archived at: http://www.ComedyCenter.com/archive/1998/03/E19980302.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Permission is granted to forward or post this Column, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted with the subscription and contact addresses and legal disclaimer contained in this signature file are included with the post. 2) no fee is charged. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This column is the official daily publication of these fine sites . . ComedyCenter at http://www.ComedyCenter.com LaughNet at http://www.laughnet.net Cosmos Joke Page at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/2655/ LAUGHaDAY at http://www.LAUGHaDAY.com Rick's Laugh Zone at http://web.egr.msu.edu/~thelenri/laugh/laugh.htm TBones ComedyCorner at http://members.aol.com/tbonelafs/index.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE: Send a e-mail message to: Robot@Jokes.cc with the words "subscribe jokes" in the body. or with the words "unsubscribe jokes: in the body ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Direct e-Mail Addresses TO SUBMIT JOKES - SubmitJokes@ComedyCenter.com GENERAL QUESTIONS - Webmaster@Jokes.cc ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FYI-Autoresponder Infobots Our Policy Statement - Policy@ComedyCenter.com How to add your friends - AddFriends@ComedyCenter.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LEGAL STUFF: This piece is published as submitted and we do not claim to own any copyright privileges to it. The work was sent to us as an item for the mailing list. If you are a copyright owner of this material, please contact us immediately at Webmaster@Mid-Am.com =========================================================== My Homepage - http://www.jet2.net/~jbaillie ICQ UIN - 4016080 Under United States law, it is unlawful "to use any telephone facsimile machine, computer, or other device to send an unsolicited advertisement" http://www.ca-probate.com/faxlaw.htm Canadian laws against spam: http://www.stopspam.org/usenet/mmf/laws/canada.html A service of Netizens Against Gratuitous Spamming http://www.nags.org/ http://antispam.org/ http://www.cauce.org =========================================================== From wmullin@nyx10.nyx.net Mon Mar 9 20:11:15 1998 Date: 16 Feb 1998 20:28:29 GMT From: William Mullin Newsgroups: alt.ezines, rec.humor, alt.censorship, alt.conspiracy, alt.skeezewockers Subject: LAST WORD 02/18/1998 THE LAST WORD Publisher: William Mullin Feb. 18, 1998 vol 7, no 18 One step ahead PUBLISHER'S NOTE Hey there! February is the shortest month, due, no doubt, to some "right-wing conspiracy" ;). But, in any event, it syre is great to be back (and on time), to bring you another edition of _The Last Word_. We don't skip weekends or holidays here. Our readers expect a weekly humor 'zine, and by God, they get it. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D === DARWIN AWARDS In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, Calif., as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the large flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) crammed against the base of his skull as he hit the floor. BUXTON, N.C. A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach on the Outer Banks used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, Va., but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital. You just wouldn't believe the outpouring of concern, people digging with their hands, using pails from kids," Dare County Sheriff Bert Austin said. According to police in Dahlonega, Ga., ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot-high cliff on his daily run. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing headfirst through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. DARWIN AWARD WANNA-BE'S In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, N. J., in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 a.m., the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed. -- "There's the Whore of Babylon... get her autograph!" -- Phoebe Legere, "Armageddon A-Go-Go" http://www.randomrecords.com/phoebe.html Copyright 1998 Male Groupie Productions. All rights reserved.