From Bulb@bulbinc.demon.co.uk Wed Oct 8 19:34:29 1997 Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 02:49:21 +0100 From: Matthew BLB Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Re: TONS OF JOKES! [The following text is in the "iso-8859-1" character set] [Your display is set for the "US-ASCII" character set] [Some characters may be displayed incorrectly] In article <01bccfbf$4484fa80$2aaf17cf@jetstream.net.jetstream.net>, CyBurn spake thusly: >Here is a ton of jokes, Enjoy! > >CyBurn 97K, huh. Well, not bad. Of course, my zipped encoded joke archive is nearer to 2 megabytes. I seriously doubt it's the largest one going, either.... Anyway. It *is* a mess, but I want you to know that you're all free to pick it up from: http://www.bulbinc.demon.co.uk/jokes/jarchive.zip Anyway, here's something for the group. Two of my all time faves. Been a while since I posted here... * * * * * * * * * * If I Ever Become an Evil Overlord... ^ÕMy legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones. ^ÕMy ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. ^ÕMy noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. ^ÕShooting is NOT too good for my enemies. ^ÕThe artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe- deposit box. ^ÕI will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. ^ÕWhen the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible." ^ÕWhen I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. ^ÕAfter I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. ^ÕI will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". ^ÕI will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself. ^ÕI will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well. ^ÕI will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. ^ÕI will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident: I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it. ^ÕI will make it clear that I DO know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any. ^ÕOne of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. ^ÕAll slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. ^ÕMy undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes. ^ÕThe hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request. ^ÕI will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to active when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. ^ÕI will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he's caused. ^ÕI will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know." ^ÕWhen I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice. * * * * * * * * * * * * Q. What is 30 feet long and smells like pee? A. The conga line at the old folks' home! * * * * * * * * * * * * ***THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY*** Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? Darn, there go the lights again... "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right? What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change......! Anyone see where I left that scalpel? And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape. OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!" She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!! FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!! Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! -- ________ / 150W \ Bulb. / \ \ \~~~~/ / At http://www.bulbinc.demon.co.uk \ \ / / \ _\/_ / email: Bulb@bulbinc.demon.co.uk [____] [____] [____] 42. The answer to it all.