Special Holiday Fruitcake Recipe 

Ingredients

1 cup unsalted butter, softened
1 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
3/4 cup all purpose flour
2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup lukewarm water
1 tsp lemon juice
1 750 ml bottle dark rum
1/2 cup chopped walnuts


Directions

Sample the rum to check for quality. Take a large bowl and add butter. 
Check the rum again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level
cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat butter and sugar
together in a large fluffy bowl.  Add one teaspoon of salt and beat again.

Make sure the rum is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two leggs and add to the bowl and  chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 
Mix on the turner. If the fried fruit gets stuck in the beaterer pry it
loose with a screwdriver.

Sample the rum to check for tonsisticity.  Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares?  Check the rum again. Now sift the lemon juice.  Add
one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat
the turner.  Throw the bowl out of the window, check the rum again and go
to bed.

-- 
Mark Bullock
Flamer to the gentry
Professor, Independent Academy of Creative Writing
"ludus non nisi sanguineus"