Xref: pilchuck rec.humor.d:3150 Path: pilchuck!entropy1!nwnews.wa.com!news-chi-2.sprintlink.net!news-chi-1.sprintlink.net!news-east.sprintlink.net!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news-backup-east.sprintlink.net!news-in-east.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!Sprint!130.207.244.18!gatech!130.207.165.222.MISMATCH!smash.gatech.edu!news From: Rob White Newsgroups: rec.humor.d Subject: A collection if you have time to read! Date: Wed, 25 Feb 1998 05:17:39 -0500 Organization: glenn hall Lines: 836 Message-ID: <34F3EFC1.698E4AB1@prism.gatech.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: r67h197.res.gatech.edu Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Mailer: Mozilla 4.04 [en] (Win95; I) Six men in Kinshasa, Congo were arrested this week for "using sorcery to turn themselves into crocodiles" in order to kill thirty-three people... The FDA has ordered the Earth Care company to immediately stop selling "ear candles." The device creates a suction which is said to be "helpful for headaches" when lit at one end and stuck in the ear...no ruling yet on "nose sparklers..." Another blow for Darwinism: a Brazilian court has ruled that factory worker Valdir Pozza is not entitled to compensation after losing the use of his finger, because "pinkie fingers would disappear with evolution anyway." An appeals court this week reversed the decision... Cleetis Hayseed of Twelve Toes, Arkansas had this lame bumper sticker on his car: "I May Be Slow, But I'm Ahead Of You." After enduring countless beatings, Cleetis cleverly contacted the company which offers the world's best-selling stickers: DARE To Keep Cops Off Donuts, Life is Short - Don't Be a Dick, Discourage Inbreeding - Ban Country Music, WHATEVER, I'd Rather Be Spanking The Monkey, and Your College Sucks. These and many more are now available online! Click Right Here!! It's no wonder President Clinton is in so much trouble, according to Executive Mystic Barrie Dolnick. Just look at Bill's astrological chart. Dolnick insists that a "career crisis" is in the stars, and predicts a "slight possibility" of impeachment. Fortunately, says Dolnick, Clinton can ward off these negative influences by "smudging his office with sage after hours, sprinkling sea salt along the doorway, and wearing red or silk undershirts for his protection..." Or he could try a more drastic approach: a Honduran man castrated himself with a machete because he was "frustrated" that his wife refused to have sex with him. The Heraldo Daily said Juan Varels cut off both his testicles and "put them on a table." After careful consideration, Varels "grabbed them" and went to a health center to have them reattached... On a sad note, the Psychic Friends Network filed bankruptcy in Baltimore this week. According to court documents, the company's revenues have plummeted to $25 million a year... appparently they didn't see this coming... In a related story, a man in Georgia is charged with killing his daughter and cutting her body into seven pieces with a chain saw after she ran up over $20,000 in phone bills to psychic hotlines... they're losing customers left and right... A man in Fontana, California has been arrested for "creeping into homes and fondling women's feet." Arnold Collins is accused of breaking into ten houses during the past month and caressing the feet and coloring the toenails of sleeping women... Someone broke into Mary Taylor's home in Fort Worth, Texas, took a bath, and left. Police say nothing was taken except two wine coolers and a roll of toilet paper... A cooking show in England has promised a nasty surprise in an upcoming "TV Dinners" episode-- placenta pate. An unnamed family invited 20 of their closest friends and a television film crew to dine on the frozen afterbirth of their daughter's child. According to the London Independent, the baby's father had "14 helpings", and his wife declared that "serving the placenta will be a family tradition now..." yeah, the Addams Family... In our Giants of Science department, Italian researches claim to be able to cure impotence with a computer. The scientists are using virtual reality technology to "re-awaken" feelings of youth and sexuality in men. The experiment uses "a Pentium 133, a full-immersion VR helmet, and a joystick..." Dennis Dixon, Jr. of Wisconsin reached for his cigarette lighter but mistakenly pulled out his .25 caliber semi-automatic instead. He managed to shoot himself through the hand, and a friend in the thigh... A Detroit man committed suicide this week with an AK-47 and took his friend with him. Elrod J. Hill fired the semi-automatic rifle into the right side of his head. The bullet came out the left side and killed his friend Brian Olesky, who was sitting next to him on the couch... And two complete strangers in Bangkok, Thailand committed suicide together after an accidental meeting on the fifth floor of a parking lot. The young man and woman consoled each other, then held hands and jumped... Alberto J. Vasquez did pretty well when donned a mask and robbed a Dunkin' Doughnuts last week. He and a friend made off with over $1400. But he did some dumb stuff too. Alberto used to work at this same Dunkin' Doughnuts, and an employee thought he recognized Alberto's voice during the robbery. He was even more certain when Alberto's accomplice called him by his nickname "A.J." Police then followed a trail of coins and footprints leading directly to his apartment building, two doors down from the shop... you have the right to remain stupid... A Massachusetts man arrested for driving without a license used his one phone call to tell a friend exactly where to find his stash of crack cocaine, hidden in an alley. Hipolito Vega spoke to his friend in Spanish, not realizing that the booking officer, Manuel Rivera, understood every word... if you give up the right to remain stupid... A Wisconsin man is under investigation for enticing two teenage girls to wear diapers. According to police reports, the man showed the girls two internet sites for "Diaper Pail Friends." "Being a Diaper Pail Friend -- in and of itself -- there's nothing wrong with that," said New London Police Chief Dave Neumann. "But when you try to entice a minor to do this, that's when it becomes a crime..." unless your friend is under three years old, then it's perfectly all right... A Sayville, New York woman was arrested last week, accused of suffocating her teenage daughter because she believed the 15-year-old was "possessed by demons." According to police, the woman had been trying to exorcise the demons, but "gave up" and decided to kill the girl... Inmate Ronald Eroh was so sure of himself that he left Auburn Hills, Michigan jail deputies a note: "By the time you read this, I'll be halfway to Europe." Police caught up with him three miles from the jail... Doctors in Milwaukee tried for seven days to cure a patient's painful hiccups with assorted therapies, including drugs and acupuncture, to no avail. According to the medical journal The Lancet, the man tried some marijuana in hopes of relieving some of the pain. The hiccups abruptly stopped. Drs. Ian Gilson and Mary Busalacchi said that although marijuana is forbidden in the U.S. for therapeutic use, "the drug should be considered when other treatments against persistent hiccups fail..." of all the hiccup remedies that don't work, I like this one best... An Akron, Ohio man choked to death this week while trying to swallow a live, 5-inch fish on a dare. According to the AP, three unidentified friends had called 911 to say that Michael Gentner had a fish stuck in his throat and was having trouble breathing... A man in Dublin is suing the Bank of Ireland for damages after he lit himself on fire. John Coffey was denied a $2900 loan by bank officials, so he went to his car, returned with a can of gasoline, and doused himself. He took out his cigarette lighter and asked to "see his file again." When three police officers grabbed him, the lighter sparked, and Coffey went up in flames... A British government agency has issued a health warning this week: don't buy sperm on the internet. The Human Fertility and Embryology Authority warns that there is no way of ensuring that the sperm is of good enough quality... I guess it's just the same old candy and flowers again this year... (roadrhino) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Here's a neat 2 minute distraction. The Age Game, It's amazing!!!!! Some mathematician was really bored! THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS. DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!! It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the bottom until you have worked it out!!! 1.First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to go out. 2.Multiply this number by 2. 3.Add 5. 4.Multiply it by 50. 5.If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you haven't, add 1747. 6.Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born. See below: . . . . . . . . . . . . . RESULTS: You should now have a three digit number: The first digit of this was your original number(I.e. how many times you want to go out each week). The second two digits are your age!!! It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread the joy around by mailing this to everyone you know. (geeto1969) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& How To Respond To Pickup Lines... Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?) Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.) Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" (or) "Stop." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane ?" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" (roadrhino) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% To the tune of "My Favorite Things" from "The Sound of Music" The Bill Clinton version: My Favorite Things Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places, Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces, Lots of nice cleavage that makes willie spring, These are a few of my favorite things Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers, Horny young interns who while 'way the hours, Profits from futures that Hillary brings, These are a few of my favorite things Beating the draft board and getting elected, Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected, Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing, These are a few of my favorite things Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury, Falling down drunk that required knee surgery Stars in the White House who come here to sing, These are a few of my favorite things Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony, States of the Union with lots of baloney, Winning debates and the joy of my flings, These are a few of my favorite things When that Jones bites, When Ken Starr stings, When I'm feeling sad, I simply remember my favorite things, And then I don't feel so bad (tsmith1499) %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% HI THERE EVERYONE..... Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drainspout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a little stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad." (roadrhino) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Along time ago there was this little Italian boy in the fields with >his dad. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy say's "papa, you >do many many things with your hands, tell me about your >fingers." > >"Well Tony," Papa said, "You see this first finger? You usea >thisa one to pointata what evea you wanta. You see youa >thumb? You usea thisa for turna pages in a book, and your >ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your >little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, >well, I'lla tella you about thata one when you getta married." > >Well, Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now >Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding, just before the >bride and groom left, Tony went to have a talk with Papa. Tony >said "Papa, many a year I use this finger to point at what I >want, and I turna many a pages with my thumb, I've picked my >nose with this little one, now I have a beautiful ring on my finger >from the love of my life, but Papa, what is it I do with this middle >finger?" > >Papa drew close to Tony and said "Tony tonight you will make >mad hot love to your woman many times and you may become >tired, when that happens and your woman turns to you again >wanting to makea the love againa, that's when you takea your >middle finga and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to >sleep you silly woman!' " >~~~~~~ >They kept telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't >all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I >said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the nine o'clock class in >vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen, bitch... >do it and you die." >~~~~~~ AND FINALLY, Rough Boys A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?" Q. Do you know how they make baby smurfs? A. They smuck. ************************************************************** Q. What is "smore play"? A. It's what smurfs do before they smuck!!! ************************************************************** Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and sushi? A: The rice. ******************************************************** Q: What has a dildo and soybean got in common? A: They are both meat substitutes. >>(geeto1969) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& After spending three hours enduring the long lines, unfriendly clerks and ridiculous regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, a guy stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for his son. He brought the gift, a baseball bat, to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash!" the guy snarled. After apologizing for his rudeness, he explained, "I'm sorry, I've just spent the afternoon at the Motor Vehicle Bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or, are you going back there?" >>(geeto1969) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& While most companies refrain from allowing consumption of alcohol on the premises, there are some good arguments for changing that policy. Reasons for allowing drinking at work include: 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can cure hangovers, from the night before, with another drink. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. 15. Suddenly, farting during a meeting isn't so embarrassing. >> (geeto1969) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& These awards are given each year to (the remains of) that >individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most >to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Note there was >great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the >candidates in 1997-- it's no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum >roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners: > >5th runner-up: >A San Anselmo, California man died when he hit a lift tower at >the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad. >22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth >Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., The Mono County Sheriff's >Department said. >Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump >Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. >Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used >to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the >pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has >since been investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with >its pad removed. > >4th Runner-up: >Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. >Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call the police. Puelo >grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth. and walked out without >paying. Police found him unconscious in front of the store-- paramedics >removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to >death. > >3rd Runner-up: >To poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing >above him on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell >on him. > >2nd Runner-up: >Man loses face at party. A man at a West Virginia party >(probably related to the man in Arkansas who used the 22 bullet to >replace the fuse in his pick-up truck) popped a blasting cap into his >mouth and bit down, >triggering an explosion that blew off his lips. teeth, and tongue. Jerry >Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the >party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in >an aquarium >hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it", said Payne. "It >wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off". "He >put it into his >mouth and bit down. It blew all his teeth out and his lips and tongue >off", Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday >with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at >Charleston Area Medical >Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that".Payne >said. > >1st Runner-up: >Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot >through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be >released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye >last weekend during an initiation into a mens rafting club, Mountain Men >Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in >Grants Pass, Oregon. >A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered >Robert's right eye. Doctors said had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the >left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have >died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the University >Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of >brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet somehow >managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said had Roberts >tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely would have killed >himself. Roberts admitted afterwards he and his friends had been >drinking that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this". No >charges have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's >office said the initiation stunt is under investigation. > >Last year's winner, you will remember, was the fellow who was killed >when he attached a JATO (Jet Assisted Take-Off) unit to his Chevy Impala >and shot himself and his car into a desert cliff at 300 M.P.H. > >Now this year's winners: >(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the >great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert >at the Gorge, Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had >18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the >nine-foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pick-up truck >over to the fence and the plan was for (the late) Mr. Pernicky (who was >100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the fence and then assist >his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a >30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, >he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted >(and broken, along with his arm, as it were) by a large branch that >snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a broken arm, he >looked down and saw some bushes below him. (Possibly) figuring >the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocketknife and >proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally >free, (did I mention he is THE LATE) Mr. Pernicky crashed into Holly >bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now without the >protection of his shorts, a Holly branch penetrated his rectal cavity. >To make matters worse (?!), on landing, his pocketknife penetrated his >thigh 3-inches. (The late) Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in >considerable pain and agony, decided to throw him a rope and pull him >to safety (now he thinks of the "S" word)by tying the rope to the >pick-up truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken >haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the >fence landing on his friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the >crashed pick-up with its driver thrown 100-feet from the truck and dead >at the scene from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, >they found John under it, half-naked with scratches on his body, a holly >stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from >a tree branch 25-feet in the air. > Congratulations gentlemen, you win... (roadrhino) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& THIS IS TRUE----PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ IT AND PLEASE SEND THIS TO >EVERY PERSON YOU KNOW WHO HAS AN E-MAIL ADDRESS....THIS IS REALLY TERRIFIC. > >My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas >& decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie >lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus Cookie." > > {EDITORIAL COMMENT: > >Neiman's is a VERY EXPENSIVE department store in the States}. > >It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the >waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not." > >Well, I said, would you let me buy the recipe? With a cute smile, she >said, "Yes." I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a >great deal!" I said with approval, just add it to my tab. > >Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcus and it >was $285.00. I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for >two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the >statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00" I called Neiman's Accounting >Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty, "which clearly >does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* >interpretation of the phrase. > >Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because >according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have >already seen the recipe - we absolutely will not refund your money at this >point." I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in >Texas, I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the >State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do >what you want, we don't give a crap, and we're not refunding your money." > >I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my >money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going >to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it >that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a >$250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free. > >She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have >thought of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on >her. So here it is!!! > >Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I >paid $250 for this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny >off of this recipe.... > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >(Recipe may be halved) >2 cups butter >4 cups flour >2 tsp. soda >2 cups sugar >** 5 cups blended oatmeal >24 oz. chocolate chips >2 cups brown sugar >1 tsp. salt >1 8oz. Hershey Bar (grated) >4 eggs >2 tsp. baking powder >2 tsp. vanilla >3 cups chopped nuts (your choice) > >** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder. > >Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with >flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, >Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a >cookie sheet. > >Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees. Makes 112 cookies. >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > >Have fun!!! This is not a joke --- this is a true story. >Ride free citizens! > >-- >Richard and Kathy Hutchison >rkhutch@newnorth.net (AStreetRod) &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& To reduce stress: Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp cool moutain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity. The water is clear. You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place. What a pleasant surprise. You let them up...just for a quick breath...then ploop!...back under they go... You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want. There, now... feeling better? (thekeepper) $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$