From jrectorr@joshuanet.comThu May 8 20:50:19 1997 Date: Fri, 04 Apr 1997 16:59:38 -0800 From: Kirby Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Hunting A guy from the city wanted to go bear hunting (probably to satisfy a "back to basics" primordial need to blow the crap out of something dangerous and skin it ...). So he goes to the local sports store, buys a HUGE gun, a box of ammunition, all the redneck "I'm a Nasty Hunter" type gear (you know, stainless steel ginsu attitude adjusting knife, rubber stamp of a headless bear, 35mm colour film with "arterial red" enhancement etc.) and heads into the wilderness. Now it isn't long until he comes across a Huge old Bear fishing in a river. He slowly and carefully takes aim and (closing his eyes) fires. When the smoke had cleared all he could see was a smoldering hole in the ground and no bear. So he stood up and before he could turn around a large paw comes down on his shoulder. The Bear turned him around and gazed into his eyes. Finally he rumbled... "Were you shootin' at me boy" "Ummm, I guess so!" stammered the Hunter. "Well,"Rumbled the bear, onimously sharpening his already razor sharp claws "For that I should slash you open, scoop up your guts as they pour out, tear off your head and force the bloodied tubes down your throat..." (#include "sound of a hunter fouling himself") "... but 'cause you're new, I'll let you go if you'll get down on your knees and make an old bear very happy!" Well the hunter doesn't really like the idea of giving a bear a (censored) job, but it preferable to being killed in a rather graphic way so he gets down on his knees and does as he's bid. The Bear sighs and,with a satisfied grin, wanders off. After trying to get the taste out the hunter, by now a little miffed, picks up his gun and looks for a new target. After all, he has primordial urges to fulfil and a now savaged ego. After a while, he comes across the same Huge Bear , this time asleep against a rock, and decides to casually blow his head off. The hunter takes careful aim, steadying against a tree, and fires. After the smoke had cleared he could make out the shape of a mound of blackened gravel, but again, not even a tuft of bear fur. He stands up and before he can turn around a large paw comes down on his shoulder. The Bear turned him around and again gazed into his eyes. Finally he rumbled.... "Were you shootin' at me again boy" "Ummm, I guess.... err maybe " stammered the Hunter. "Well,"Rumbled the bear, onimously sharpening his already clinically sharp claws "For that I should rip your knees out, tear your genitals off, stuff them up your nose, tear you in half and thrust your still beating heart up your rear, and don't get me wrong I'll do it...." (#include water trickling down hunters leg sound effect) ".... but, well, you really a pathetic excuse for a hunter, so I'll give you a choice. I can either rip you slowly to pieces, or you can drop those strides, bend over that log, and make an old bear very happy." The hunter umms and ahhhs until the bear playfully tears the side out of a tree with a negligent swipe, and drops his trousers, bends over the log and ..... well the rest I'll leave to your imagination. Afterwards the bear wanders off in search of a cigarette. When the hunter can finally stand and walk, almost normally, the fear wore off and the determined hunter reloaded with hollow-points, put a grenade launcher under the barrel, and set off in search of the bear. Not much time passed until he again comes across the same HUGE Bear, scratching his back against a tree. This time he makes sure the gun is steady, primes the grenade launcher, turns on the laser sighting (little red spot appears in the centre of the bears chest). slowly breathes out and fires ..... after the twenty-third magazine, sixth box of grenades and several rather noisy minutes the firing stopped and the smoke cleared (not surprisingly it took significantly longer this time than before). There were lots of dead, smoking trees, shattered rocks, burning shrubs, holes everywhere but, no bear remains... not that the hunter was seriously expecting any this time but it would have been comforting none the less:-) He stands up and before he can turn around a familiar large paw comes down on his shoulder. The Bear turned him around, gazed into his eyes, sighed and shook his head. Finally he rumbled.... "You ain't up here for the hunting are you boy ...." Kirby Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!