From millette@oberon.ark.com Wed Oct  8 19:48:00 1997
Date: 6 Oct 1997 05:14:46 GMT
From: Simon <millette@oberon.ark.com
Newsgroups: rec.humor, alt.humor, alt.tastelesshumor, alt.tasteless.jokes,
    eunet.jokes, z-netz.alt.jokes, alt.jokes
Subject: Re: How to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses

I had a friend over visiting one day when they knocked on the door, two men
in perfectly pressed suits with briefcases, watchtower in hand. John
answered the door and ushered them inside before they had a chance to say
"What do you think of ..." John also happened to be a carpet salesman and
proceded to sell them carpet. He got in between them and the door and was
very persistent, describing the latest in carpets and underlay and begged
them to buy a carpet so he could feed his little kids. He wouldn't let them
leave for at least ten minutes. That was the last I ever saw of any
Jehovah's at that apartment.

Jolly <joke@{remove}cheerful.com wrote in article
<34331e8d.122271810@news.cyberhighway.net...
 My own personal experience with the JW..
 
 First they came looking for my brother. I told them he had gone off to
 college. They came back 3 months later... So I told them he had left
 the country for 6 months. They came back 6months later... I finally
 said he died in a horrible plane accident the day before and burst out
 into tears. They never came back. See if you can add to the list...
 
 How to get rid of Jehovah Witnesses:
 ---------------
 A chalk outline of a human body on the sidewalk, and     
 a few copies of _The Watchtower_ scattered around...
 ---------------
 My mother (a second-generation atheist) used to say 
 (in a very sweetvoice): "I'm sorry, I don't give a 
 damn about Jesus."  Worked everytime.  The Witnesses 
 just backed off the porch in slack-jawed, bug-eyed disbelief.
 ---------------
 Agreed, we are not prepared for this one, but it has to be carried 
 off perfectly.  The more sincere you appear, the more baffled the 
 Witness will be:  Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say 
 'Allah be Praised!!!' and just see what happens.
 ---------------
 Automatic weapons are undeniably the best deterrent to Witnesses.  For
 extra effect, fire a few rounds into the air or towards their car. 
 Pretend you hear a voice inside your head telling you to kill the 
 witness.  Guaranteed to stop future visits for several years.
 ---------------
The young couple came to my door.  I was wearing my robe, and had just
awakened.  now let me explain, I am a very unusual looking person
anyway, but when I awake, I look like some kind of movie monster, I
have hair all over everywhere.  I made my eyes real piercing, and stared
past them.  I knew who they were, you can tell, they look so cute in their
getup and their bland faces.Well the female one obviously is supposed
to do the introduction because she sort of panicked, and said:
"We're...we're...we're..we're....we're...."And then she staired
helplessly at the other one and he said: "uh... uh.... uh... uh..."I then did     a really fierce grin and stuck out my hand in a very fast gesture, and opened all my fingers, and in a voice sort of a mixture between Peter Lore and
Lurch, I said: "I...WILL...TAKE...YOUR...LITERATURE...AND...GIVE...IT...TO...MY...MASTER."
The male one quickly handed me a copy of whatever rag they were peddling.  They did not ask for a donation. They ran. It's a true story, and they never came back.
 ---------------
 A friend claims that when Jehovah's Witlesses knock on her door,her
 first  response is to ask for their address.  When they ask why she wants to
 know, she says it is so she can visit them to push her beliefs.  So far, none of them have given their address.It also marks the end of the interview. SLAM!
 -----------------
 A guy goes up to my friend's friend and asks, "Can I talk to you about God?" 
 She says, "Sure, what would you like to know?".
 -----------------
 JW ladies come to the door. One of them has small child in tow.
 Interrupts
 SIW's dinner. If you knew SIW like I knew SIW, you wouldn't do that.
 SIW:  Thank you, but I already have a religion.
 JW:   May I ask what it is?
 SIW:  I'd really rather not say. {Pregnant pause} I'm not sure if it's
 legal in this country. 
Supposedly they gave her a real strange look on their way back down the stairs.
 ----------------
 I answer the door with a bloody knife and say, "I'm sorry, could you
 come back in a half hour? We're not done with the virgin yet."
 Zul