From the.web.walker@pobox.com Thu Oct 23 19:34:58 1997 Date: Mon, 20 Oct 1997 18:34:58 -0700 From: The Web Walker Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Where the hell are the John Denver jokes? Hello, It's not like this guy was a nun (What's black and white and red all over? A nun with Ebola virus.) Hell, he was too cheap to hire a french chauffeur to crash his plane into the ocean. But then again, it not like it's his fault. El Nino made him do it. What was John Denver's last wish? A burial at sea. "Oh God! I'm dead." Now showing at theaters near you. See St. Peter for times. How many John Denver's does it take to crash an airplane into the ocean? Only one, if you have the real John Denver. Does this mean Elton John will have to write another dead blond song? What do you call John Denver at the bottom of ocean? A good start. John Denver's last song "Road Kill on the Rocky Mountain Highway." John Denver shows up at the Pearly gates. St. Peter asks, "Well, son what brings you here?" "My engine blew up and I crashed into the ocean and if I ever get my hands on the guy that worked on it ..." St. Peter looks him the eye and explains, "This is heaven. The mechanic that was working on your plane showed up a half hour before you took off." What'd John Denver's wife want for Christmas? A wet Willie. Sorry, that was the punch line for my Clinton joke. An Israeli, a Jew and John Denver show up at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "I'm sorry, John Denver jokes are out." What were John Denver's last words? I regret I only have one airplane to give for my country. What did the Atlantic fish say to the Pacific fish? So what if you got John Denver the Challenger gave us a teacher. John Denver's last email: "Who the hell moved the Bermuda Triangle." John Denver's last words, "Anyone else's feet wet back there?" What were John Denver's last words? "I didn't have the salmon mousse." John Denver's last words, "I thought this was a non-stop flight." Mae West joke: "Are you glad to see me or those real your teeth?" Sorry, if helps if you've seen "Jaws" to get that one. Will West Coast restaurants be having a John Denver Sushi Specials? Why did John Denver die before his wife? Because he wanted to. Sorry, old jewish joke. He met God in a movie and now he wants to meet St. Peter. (I didn't write this one my dog did it.) He was working on his new song, "My body lies over the ocean." It wasn't an accident. Jimmy Carter had him killed because John Denver had more teeth than he did. Drunk journalists, drunk drivers, drunk pilots. What the hell is a natural death anymore? What was John Denvers last hit? A scotch, a beer chaser and the Pacific Ocean. (I'm in charge of the keyboard here. I can write anything what I want.) John Denver is walking along the bottom of ocean and a fish asks, "What are you doing down here?" John replies, "Have you seen what the IRS did to Willie Nelson?" St. Peter and all those cool angels in heaven (those we see in the movies all the time) are looking down on the Earth. A plane goes slamming into ocean and one of the angels asks St. Peter, "What was that?" St. Peter replies, "Oh, that. It was John Denver. I guess he thought he was Wally Post." John Denver crashes into the ocean. Three sharks are circling the body. The first shark says, "I can't eat John Denver. I really liked his music." The second shark says, "I hated his music and I won't eat something I hate." The third shark says, "Tastes just like chicken." They were wrong when they said: Napeoleon - "Don't worry about me. I'll kick Wellington's ass." Chamberlain - "Give him a few countries and Hitler will go away." John Denver - "I'll be back." Already posted by other folks but good: Q: What was John Denvers Last Hit??? A: THE PACIFIC OCEAN !!! What's the name of Elton John's tribute to John Denver? Strangled in the Wind How does John Denver like his drinks? On the rocks. What were the two design flaws that plagued John Denver's experimental plane? It wouldn't fly and it wouldn't float. What TV show will be about John Denver? The Fall Guy Or... ... Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea Already posted by other folks: What was the last thing that went through John Denver's head? The Propeller. Elton John will be singing at John Denver's funeral...Banjo in the Wind. John Denver didn't take a bath before his flight, but he did wash up on shore. Sorry these are a little late: What do you get when you put a teacher in the space shuttle? Fish food. What's the American dream? All the blacks swimming back to Africa with a Jew under each arm. If we knew then what we know now, we would have married our cousins instead of our sisters. Hillary sleeps with as many women as Clinton does and almost as many dead males. Did Vince Foster die covering up John Denver's death? Never argue with a man that's wrong. ...wtb... - http://www.bayarea.net/~wiltb/3stooges/3stooges.htm P.S. Democrats piss me off! From dhead1@earthlink.net Sun Oct 26 12:56:00 1997 Date: Tue, 21 Oct 1997 20:29:38 -0400 From: dave headman To: Auctor Ignotus Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Re: John Denver jokes anyone? John Denver Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------ 1. Have you heard about John Denver's newest hit? "Pacific Ocean Bottom" ------------------------------------------------------------- 2. What forced John Denver to vere off course and spin into the bay? Rocky Mountain High! ------------------------------------------------------------- 3. John Denver's new song? Thank god I'm a country buoy ------------------------------------------------------------- 4. Best Not do Yer Flyin' Boy.. (To the tune of "Thank God I'm A Country Boy") A sensitive tribute composed on the death of the muzak king, John Denver. (v1) Well I'd heard of Buddy Holly, And of Otis Redding too, And I'd heard of Lynard Skynard, What's a country boy to do? And I thought somethin' was fishy 'Bout that airplane that I flew, Best not do yer flyin' boy. (CHORUS) Well I got me a plane, Though I talked of conservation. Takin' some 'ol "Country Roads" Would've helped my reputation, Now I've spread my body parts 'Cross the west coast of the nation, Best not do your flyin' boy. (v2) Well I started my career out Playin' guitar on a stump, And I talked a lot like Grandpa Jones, But lived like Donald Trump. Now nothin's "fillin' up my senses," Can't identify the lumps. Best not do yer' flyin' boy. (CHORUS) Well I got me a plane, Though I talked of conservation. Takin' some 'ol "Country Roads" Would've helped my reputation, Now I've spread my body parts 'Cross the west coast of the nation, Best not do your flyin' boy. ------------------------------------------------------------- 5. What were John Denver's last words before leaving home? "I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again?" ------------------------------------------------------------- 6. I'm bleeding on a jet plane Don't know if I will breath again ------------------------------------------------------------- 7. John Denver wrote Leaving on a jet plane 25 years ago ... His dream finally came true ... Oh God!!! ------------------------------------------------------------- 8. John Denver's last words: "Oh GOD ... Book III" ------------------------------------------------------------- 9. God is making a new comedy called "Oh God Damn" He already has George Burns and John Denver from the original movie and has added Red Skelton with a cameo by Princess Diana. He may have James Michener write a novel on it. ------------------------------------------------------------- 10. Here's my new lyrics for "Annies Song", rechristened "Somethings Wrong!?!" You fill up my cockpit With salty blue water Just when my wings cracked And I fell in the sea! I lost all my limbs then They fell off on contact You needed my fingerprints To identify me! (C)(P)TM(R)Mike "Sicko" Richardson ------------------------------------------------------------- 11. Elton John has a new Tribute song: Dingle in the Wing? Or... ... Like a Brick in the Wind ... Cessna In A Spin ------------------------------------------------------------- 12. Good-bye Johnny D You fly just like you sing It's a shitty thing Your Rocky Mountain High Well I would have liked not to have known you But I was just a kid The seventies ended long before John Denver ever did. So much for George Burns Who never seemed to learn That you can't act Although you thought you could Flying through the sky With your Rocky Mountain High It's no wonder that Your plane made a big splat into the deep blue sea. Well I would have liked not to have known you But I was just a kid. The seventies burned out long before John Denver ever did. Thanks Elton! ------------------------------------------------------------- 13. At least John Denver wasn't drinking and driving his car this time. ------------------------------------------------------------- 14. Why did John Denver crash his plane? Because the French Police finally found the battered Fiat under his Paris appartment. ------------------------------------------------------------- 15. Have you heard what caused the crash? "There were these four paparazzi in hang-gliders, you see..." ------------------------------------------------------------- 16. Looks like John Denver has another hit. ------------------------------------------------------------- 17. That John Denver was a plane down to earth kinda guy. ------------------------------------------------------------- 18. Why did John Denver crash? He wanted a smash hit in the 90's ------------------------------------------------------------- 19. what was John Denver's last hit?? The pacific ocean! ------------------------------------------------------------- 20. How does John Denver like his drinks? On the rocks. ------------------------------------------------------------- 21. What key does John Denver sing in? sea-flat ------------------------------------------------------------- 22. What was John Denver smoking? Sea weed ------------------------------------------------------------- 23. What was John Denver's favorite TV show? WINGS ------------------------------------------------------------- 24. What was John Denver's favorit season? Fall ------------------------------------------------------------- 25. what were the two design flaws that plagued john denver's experimental plane? it wouldn't fly and it wouldn't float ------------------------------------------------------------- 26. I understand that John Denver was about to be named the offical spokesman for a beverage company? I guess Oceean Spray will have to look elsewhere now. ------------------------------------------------------------- 27. It was a shame about AP's typo in yesterday's headlines. It should have read "John Denver feared alive". ------------------------------------------------------------- 28. John Denver is changing his name to John Boulder ------------------------------------------------------------- 29. What does DENVER stand for? Died Evaluating New ValuJet Experimental Rock ------------------------------------------------------------- 30. What airline was about to hire John Denver? ValuJet. ------------------------------------------------------------- 31. What happened to John Denver's career in the end? Took a nose dive. ------------------------------------------------------------- 32. What is John Denver going to be for Halloween? Bug food. ------------------------------------------------------------- 33. What was John Denver's last movie? Waterworld. ------------------------------------------------------------- 34. What is John Denver doing right now? Decomposing. ------------------------------------------------------------- 35. Denver died of AIDS. Aircraft is Descending Swiftly. ------------------------------------------------------------- 36. What movie will they make of John Denver? Splash. ------------------------------------------------------------- 37. What TV show will be about John Denver? The Fall Guy Or... ... Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea ------------------------------------------------------------- 38. John Denver didn't take a bath before his flight, but he did wash up on shore. ------------------------------------------------------------- 39. John Denver's last words: hum, I wonder what this lever is for?? ------------------------------------------------------------------ Don't forget to check out the Princess Diana Jokes ------------------------------------------------------------------