From ao766@freenet.toronto.on.ca Mon Mar 9 11:31:15 1998 Date: Fri, 06 Mar 1998 08:24:25 GMT From: Dark Shadow Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.humor, alt.humor, rec.humor, rec.humor.d Subject: What the dogs have taught me Daily Routine The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else. I. Mealtime 1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion a chain of events that eventually results in food. 2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or smell are considered gum. 3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating. 4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to it. 5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. 6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic, stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to leak like icicles from your lower lip. II. Everything Else 1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with: complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all. 2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is on your side, all four limbs parallel. 3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of furniture. 4. Personal Safety A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their balance or have to force you away physically. B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard. 5. Recreation and Leisure A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know. a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it. b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it. B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once inside, your only goal is to try to get out. 6. Health A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are vaccinated, urinate on the physician. Submitted by . . . LaughNet http://www.laughnet.net This Column is archived at: http://www.ComedyCenter.com/archive/1998/02/E19980227.htm ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Ed Note: You've been asking for it here it is. You may now subscribe your friends. Simply follow the directions below anw they will be added to the list. PLEASE REMEMBER TO TELL THEM YOU HAVE ADDED THEM. Send a message to : Friends@Jokes.cc And type the following in the body Subscribe jokes MyFriends@TheirDomain.com You may ad up to 10 friends in one message. If this becomes a problem in any way we will discontinue it. PLEASE, AGAIN, REMEMBER TO TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU ADDED THEM. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Permission is granted to forward or post this Column, provided that 1) the message is forwarded/posted with the subscription and contact addresses and legal disclaimer contained in this signature file are included with the post. 2) no fee is charged. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This column is the official daily publication of these fine sites . . ComedyCenter at http://www.ComedyCenter.com LaughNet at http://www.laughnet.net Cosmos Joke Page at http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Hills/2655/ LAUGHaDAY at http://www.LAUGHaDAY.com Rick's Laugh Zone at http://web.egr.msu.edu/~thelenri/laugh/laugh.htm TBones ComedyCorner at http://members.aol.com/tbonelafs/index.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TO SUBSCRIBE or UNSUBSCRIBE: Send a e-mail message to: Robot@Jokes.cc with the words "subscribe jokes" in the body. or with the words "unsubscribe jokes: in the body ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Direct e-Mail Addresses TO SUBMIT JOKES - SubmitJokes@ComedyCenter.com GENERAL QUESTIONS - Webmaster@Jokes.cc ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ FYI-Autoresponder Infobots Our Policy Statement - Policy@ComedyCenter.com How to add your friends - AddFriends@ComedyCenter.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ LEGAL STUFF: This piece is published as submitted and we do not claim to own any copyright privileges to it. The work was sent to us as an item for the mailing list. If you are a copyright owner of this material, please contact us immediately at Webmaster@Mid-Am.com =========================================================== My Homepage - http://www.jet2.net/~jbaillie ICQ UIN - 4016080 Under United States law, it is unlawful "to use any telephone facsimile machine, computer, or other device to send an unsolicited advertisement" http://www.ca-probate.com/faxlaw.htm Canadian laws against spam: http://www.stopspam.org/usenet/mmf/laws/canada.html A service of Netizens Against Gratuitous Spamming http://www.nags.org/ http://antispam.org/ http://www.cauce.org ===========================================================