Xref: pilchuck alt.tasteless.jokes:122170
Path: pilchuck!entropy1!uw-beaver!news.u.washington.edu!newsfeed.direct.ca!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!Sprint!cs.utexas.edu!news.unt.edu!PTK
From: located@a.tittybar (CheechWizard)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: ...turn yer head...and cough...again
Date: Fri, 13 Feb 1998 15:50:00 GMT
Organization: Joe Momma's
Lines: 56
Message-ID: <6c1q36$2c4@hermes.acs.unt.edu>
NNTP-Posting-Host: nt84366-ptk.nms.unt.edu
X-Newsreader: News Xpress 2.01

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by
physicians.  They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D.,
for the Journal of Court Reporting.

* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his
feet.

*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had
completely disappeared.

*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
very hot in bed last night.

*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.

*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.  I have
suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he
stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.

*The patient is tearful and crying constantly.  She also appears to be
depressed.

*Discharge status:  Alive but without permission.  The patient will need
disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.

*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

*The patient refused an autopsy.

*The patient has no past history of suicides.

*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.

*The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.

*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a
picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually
deteriorated in the emergency room.

*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original
complaints.