From _dude_@cyberdude.com Thu Oct 16 21:12:44 1997
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 1997 04:37:55 GMT
From: Dude <_dude_@cyberdude.com>
Reply-To: dude_@hotmail.com
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes
Subject: Hey! Christmas is comming!

Wreck the halls with bricks and hammers
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
'cause we're so mad at the landlord
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la
Don we now our shrapnel jackets
Fa-la-la fa-la-la la-la-la
Get the weapons, let 'im have it
Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la


Good King Wenceslas got drunk
At the feast of Stephen
In the snow he passed right out
Weak and cold and bleeding
Took him four weeks to thaw out
While he'd sneeze and shiver
So next time that he goes out
First he'll check the weather


I saw three ships catch fire and sink
On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day
I saw three ships catch fire and sink
On Christmas Day in the morning


It came upon the midnight plane
That glorious pile of mold
It was my luggage years ago
They lost it I was told
"Twice 'round the earth, once to Iran,
From heaven to Temiskaming"
The world in solemn stillness lay
To watch this airline thing


Crashing through the rail
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the cliff we go
Shreiking all the way
Bells and sirens ring
Marking where we crashed
They put us in intensive care
They don't think we will last
Jingle bells, funeral bells, ringing all the way
Oh what fools we were to ride in that one horse open sleigh
Jingle bells, funeral bells, ringing all the way
Oh what fools we were to ride in that one horse open sleigh


O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
In flames we see your branches
They were so green not long ago
I put that candle much too close
O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree
In flames we see your branches


On the twelfth day of Christmas my ex-love sent to me
Twelve drums of strychnine
Eleven pints of poison
Ten loonies alimony
Nine lawyers suing
Eight maids a-list'ning
Seven sharks a-swimming
Six geeks a-reading
Five bathtub rings
Four dying birds, three dead hens
Two tons of mud
And a vulture in a crabtree

Silent night, darkened night
All is dark, nothing's bright
Power comp'ny went out on strike
No one's going to turn on the lights
Sit in darkness and freeze
Sit in darkness and freeze


We three kings of Orient are
Smuggling drugs we travelled afar
Cops we trusted, we got busted
Now we are behind bars
O...bread and water, chains at night
Guards that think we're not too bright
Hostile lawyers start proceedings
We'll no longer see daylight


 As shepherds wash their socks by night
  A bad stench hangs around
  We wish they'd take those dirty things
  'n bury 'em in the ground
 The stench it gets revolting
  And we just want to puke
  It smells just like the cattle turds
  We left in my roomies' Buick

 Jingle Bells, Unitels
  Sprints and MCIs
  They say they want to save us bucks
  We think it's all a lie
 Taco Bells, Unitels
  All a waste of time
  We really doubt that we'll get through
  I guess we'll have to try

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a redneck gave to me:
  12 pack of Bud
  11 wrastling tickets
  10 commie ridders
   9 monster trucks
   8 sawed off shotguns
   7 shots of whisky
   6 dead pinkos
   5 bathtub rings
   4 mudgrip tires
   3 repo men
   2 vulture birds
  and a duck blind in a hanging tree

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a hoser gave to me:
  12 jugs-a syrop
  11 cords-a firewood
  10 hungry sleddogs
  9 Coleman stoves
  8 pounds-a roadsalt
  7 Export eh?s
  6 radial snowtires
  5 golden tuques
  4 pounds-a backbacon
  3 french toast
  2 turtle necks
 and a 2-4 in a maple tree

 Silent night, welfare night
  All are sloshed, all are tight
  Ain't no virgins, just winos and thieves
  Fast asleep in a heap of debris
  Sleep in darkness and freeze
  Sleep in darkness and freeze

 O come all ye perverts
  Come and have an orgy
  O come ye, o cum ye
  In brothels galore
 Come and get plastered
  And let's find some ho-girls
  O come let us enjoy them
  O come let us enjoy them
  O come let us enjoy them
  In brothels galore

 I'll be home for Christmas
  But I still can't pee
  I'll be home for Christmas
  Where she Bobbitts me

 I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
  Just like the ones I used to know
  Where the 8-balls glisten
  and dealers listen
  to hear cop cars in the snow
 I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
  With all the coke I used to snort
 May your dope be powdered and white
  And make all your cocaine deals at night

 Joy to the world, the school burned down
  And all the teachers died
  And the principal is hanging from the flagpole
  With a rope around his neck
  With a rope around his neck
  A rope, a rope, around his neck
 Joy to the world, the school burned down
  And all the homework's fried
  And the late slips burst into flames
  'Cause we poured gas on them
  'Cause we poured gas on them
  We poured, we poured some gas on them

   (to the tune of Silver Bells)
 City sidewalks, slippery sidewalks
  Packed in holiday style
  In the shops there's a feeling of sickness
  Children whining, people crying
  Trudging mile after mile
  Soon it will be Christmas day
 Taco bells, junk food smells
  Now there's a feeling of sickness
 Chargex bills, fill their tills
  When will it be Christmas day?

 Dish out lines, I am listening
  Chug the booze, snow is glistening
  It's cold, that's alright
  We'll get some tonight
  Screwing in a winter wonderland
 At the outhouse we can build a snowman
  And pretend that he is Parson Brown
  He'll say are you married, we'll say no man
  But we just fornicate and fool around
 Later on, we'll perspire
  As we f*** by the fire
  And face unafraid the mess that we've made
  Screwing in a winter wonderland

 Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
  Cocaine eating out your nose
  Yuletide priests feeling up the whole choir
  and cops dressed up like big capos
 Everybody knows the turkeys brought some mistletoe
  Because they can't get laid tonight
  Although it's been said many times, all you gays
  Merry christmas, screw you!
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