======== On Sun, 6 Jul 1997 14:13:33 GMT, Scott Dorsey wrote: >In article <01bc89f6$22215060$d73e63c3@tishcarl> "Glen Dixon" writes: >>Has anybody out there had a vasectomy and if so what was it like? Any >>problems, whas it very painful, is it painful now and have you had any >>problems. > >I didn't get it, but I have seen the vasectomy clinics set up at train >stations... the doctors spend more time sterilizing their instruments >than actually performing the operation. Five minutes and it's over, >with minimal pain and swelling, and plus you get a free transistor radio. Here's one from the archives... From: zursch@solaris.engr.sgi.com (Jeffrey B. Zurschmeide) Newsgroups: alt.peeves Subject: Vasectomy (Was Re: Blood on 17...) Date: 27 Mar 1997 01:18:16 GMT Organization: Lazy Z Goat Farm, Tualatin Oregon Lines: 149 Message-ID: <5hchso$eaq@murrow.corp.sgi.com> References: <5h9ei1$2ah@vixen.cso.uiuc.edu> <5hbqq5$7kn@newstand.syr.edu> NNTP-Posting-Host: solaris.engr.sgi.com Xref: geraldo.cc.utexas.edu alt.peeves:100571 Pink Boy wrote: >Don't look at me, I've got a vasectomy for all the good it does >me. It just isn't safe to let wee willy out to play without his >galoshes on. Well, I'm still married, so we just go for it.... It's high time for a blast from the past, doncha think? +++++ So I went to the vet last Thursday - you know, for the "operation." At least in my case, they were only disconnecting, not removing, the floating orbs of ecstasy. So we packed up the baby and headed for the appointment. We arrived, signed in, and I was taken to the bathroom and told to empty my bladder, which I did. Then I went to the exam room and was told to drop trou and lay down on this table. The Doctor came in with a tray, on which was a pan full of jangling intruments. He had a couple large jars of lidocaine in his hands. I had expected to get some sort of goodie to keep me calm during the process. Valium or some such treat. No Dice. So he starts off by washing my genital area thoroughly. It's not the same as taking a shower with your sweetie, lemme tell you. Maybe 50-ish urologists named Romney are someone's cup of tea, but not mine. Then he shaved my balls, sans shaving cream, which was an odd feeling, but not bad. He said "You may feel some discomfort during the procedure, since the lidocaine deadens the pain sensors, but not the pressure sensors. There are three kinds of pain you may feel - one is sharp pain from the needle, one is pressure, or what I call the "kick in the balls" feeling, and the third is kidney pain, since it's all attached, and that just happens to be where we feel this kind of thing." Then he says "Now lie back, you'll feel a stick when we anaesthetize the skin, then we'll pause a moment, then go a little deeper and finish the shot." I relaxed and waited. I felt the sharp stick of the needle going through my skin, and then.....then I felt the most unbelievable sensation I have ever felt. To call it pain is not accurate, since I have, technically, been in worse *pain* before. It was a quality of discomfort that went beyond and around pain. It was "go directly to visceral reaction, do not pass brain, do not collect your dignity." Testicle-bearing readers who have ever taken the kind of really solid hit in the ohmygods that leaves you gasping for air and wondering how you got on the spinning ground have had a glimpse of this. But this is *slower* - kind of a kick in the balls drawn out for an eternity or two while you lie there knowing that any motion to protect yourself will make it *worse*. The view from my eyes went a really nifty Royal Blue and everything started spinning. I said "I don't feel well" and the doctor said "That's normal" - then I said "I feel ill" and he said (hearing the slurred speech) "Stay with me, Jeff" and I said "I'm going to throw up now" and he said "Oh, don't do that" and I said "I can't help it" and started heaving. The nurse managed to get the trash can over in time and I heaved mightily. Then I laid back down and he said "OK, we'll continue." By then the lidocaine had taken effect and I laid there while they asked me stupid questions designed to keep me conscious. (Presumably so I wouldn't miss a moment of this wonderful experience.) I experienced pain brand #3 at this time - it felt as though a string were tied around my right kidney (he was working on the right ball) and he was tugging on it. In a way, I guess that's exactly what was happening. After a while, he announced he was done and that we could do the other side later if I didn't feel up to it. I thought, as much as I could given my state of shock, and said "No, if I leave here, there's no way I could come back to do this again. Let's just get it over with now and be done with it." Perhaps this shows courage, maturity, and circumspection. Within moments I was to regret the decision poignantly. Second verse, same as the first. The nurse was holding an icepack on my head, I yelled rather loudly. If possible, this one hurt more than the first. Jill said she could hear me out in the office. I believe I yelled "Yuuuuahhhhhh! You have to stop this now, or I'll pass out! it HURTS!" The doctor (who was just following orders) said "The lidocaine's in, we can stop now if you want, but the worst is over" I blew another round into the garbage can and said "Do it." I realized that my shirt was soaked with sweat and my face felt like I was just pulled from a river - and I was a 3-days-dead carp. We spent the second half talking about vasectomy horror stories, which, oddly enough, didn't bother me. Everything in the world is relative, and that proves it. We talked about how some GP doctors and such do vasectomies and accidentally clip the arteries that supply the testicles. If you're lucky, the scrotum fills with blood, which is obvious and gets you in the hospital soon enough to prevent the second problem, which is atrophy/gangrene of the nuts. Apparently one such case he had fixed up was a lady doctor (a pediatrician) who had done the job on her hubby at home (Lorena Bobbitt eat your heart out.) They saved the guy's huevos, but were unable to properly vasectomize him because they had to reroute the arteries that supply the vas to supply his nuts. So wifey had to have her tubes tied in addition! After a bit more tugging on my left kidney, during which time I fruitlessly begged for a drink of water, he sewed it all up and we were finished. They cleaned it all up, and I apologized for having blown my bagels all over creation - he said "That's ok, we have custodial service every day." He went out and let me rest a bit (I found out later he went and reassured Jill) and then came back in and took my blood pressure. 90 over 50, for a guy who usually runs 130/90. He allowed as how this was the worst reaction he'd seen in 20 years of practicing urology. They walked me out to the car and sent me home with not even so much as a prescription for percodan. They did give me an instruction sheet and a sample cup to bring in some spooge in 10 weeks so they can see if they did the right thing. I got to see my little bits o' vas, and if all is well in 10 weeks, I get to take them home with me for my trophy shelf. I won't feed these to the dogs. We got in the car and Jill said "Is there anything you want" and I said "I'd really like nothing better than a coke." So we went to McDonalds and I salved my wounds with a large fries, a large coke, and some McNuggets. I felt rather tender the rest of the day, but OK on Friday and back to normal on Saturday. I have big bruises all over my scrotum and some amusing stitches (the dissolving kind.) Jill said she could hear me in the waiting room and was quite distressed about my pain level. I remarked that it was a good thing no one *else* was in the office waiting to have this same thing done - they would have thought the guy was using a rusty spoon. Still, the image of some schmoe sitting there waiting for his turn, and listening, brings a smirk to me. Shootin' blanks, I remain, JZ