From nf-nt-smi.!news1.jaring.my!news2.jaring.my!uunet!in1.uu.net!207.17.118.2!news.alt.net!newspost1.alt.net!usenet Fri Apr 18 20:54:44 1997 Path: nf-nt-smi.!news1.jaring.my!news2.jaring.my!uunet!in1.uu.net!207.17.118.2!news.alt.net!newspost1.alt.net!usenet From: runner@third.base Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Re: Computer Jokes? Date: Thu, 17 Apr 1997 01:13:32 GMT Organization: Altopia Corp. - Affordable Usenet Access - http://www.alt.net Lines: 161 Message-ID: <335664c0.4971687@news.pathway.net> References: <5isvlv$n0r$1@celebrian.otago.ac.nz> Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.0/32.390 I know that these have been done to death but since you asked for computer jokes I assume you don't have them, so here is the virus list VIRUS ALERT VIRUS ALERT VIRUS ALERT Caution should be taken to protect your systems against the following viruses. BOB DOLE VIRUS One of the oldest viruses on record in the book, reportedly first spotted on the Eniac, with very old symptoms. This dangerous virus promises to free up 15% of Random Access Memory from Windows, but most people don't realize that it shrinks your hard drive by 30% and reduces a 33.6 fax modem to 9600 baud!! PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard drive attack. Once if by LAN twice if by C:. POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS Never calls it self a virus but instead refers to itself as an electronic micro-organism, that is socially challenged as a result of its up bringing and therefore cant be blamed for deleting your files. RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives ROSS PEROT VIRUS Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits. OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS Your 200MB had drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB AT&T VIRUS Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting. MCI VIRUS Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus. Then it asks for your friends phone number. TED TURNER VIRUS Colorizes your monochrome monitor. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It will be back. BILLY GRAHAM VIRUS Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network. DAN QUAYLE VIRUS Their is sumthing rong with your compueter, ewe juste can't figyour out whatt. GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS Nothing works, but all of you diagnostic software says everything is fine. NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people angry just thinking about it. FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS Divides you hard drive into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer. GALLUP VIRUS 60% of the PCs infected will lose 38 % of their data 14 % of the time. (Plus or minus 3.5% margin of error) RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS II Prints "Oh no you don't" when ever you choose abort from the Abort Retry Fail message. TEXAS VIRUS Makes sure that it is bigger than any file on your hard drive. ADAM AND EVE VIRUS Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS Hard to identify because it keeps changing its appearance. This virus will not hurt your PC but I wouldn't trust my kids around it. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS Your computer locks up, the screen splits erratically with messages appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem. CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS II Runs every program on your system at the same time but will not allow the user to get anything accomplished. AIRLINE VIRUS You are in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore. FREUDIAN VIRUS Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard PBS VIRUS Your computer stops every 30 minutes to beg for money for 5 minutes, then it reminds you how nice it is not to have commercials. ELVIS VIRUS Your computer gets fat, slow, lazy and then self distructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America. OLLIE NORTH VIRUS Turns your printer into a document shredder. NIKE VIRUS Just does it. SEARS VIRUS Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks. JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS KERVORKIAN VIRUS Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. STAR TREK VIRUS Boldly goes where no virus has gone before. HEALTH CARE VIRUS Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong then sends you a bill for $2,000.00 BILL CLINTON VIRUS Fills up all of the free space on the hard drive with useless files, then blames it on the Congressional virus. BILL CLINTON VIRUS II Tries to look like is in charge but in reality a subroutine is calling all the shots. THE JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS VIRUS Makes your Pentium Pro 200 perform like a 4DX 33 THE LOS ANGELES POLICE DEPT. VIRUS Claims it feels threatened by the other files on your hard drive and erases them in self defense THE PITTSBURGH PIRATES VIRUS Your computer makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews but you still love it. THE PITTSBURGH STEELERS VIRUS All your files seem safe and you have hope but then they disappear in the fourth quarter E-mail to tinker@pathway.net ------ From rushsfat@diamond.nb.netSat May 10 17:03:49 1997 The Bill Clinton Virus III Keeps flashing female users Plug and Play messages. Hillary Clinton Virus Can turn your 100MB hard drive into a 1.0Gig hard drive but can't explain how it made all of that memory. Vince Foster Virus Quickly kills your best friend's computer before it can incriminate the virus during Virus Check. Webster Hubbell Virus Causes your computer to become mute by paying off the Sound Card. and finally: The Bill Gates Virus Squashes all other viruses making those who happened to buy computers running those viruses feel like idiots.