From marlin.ucsf.edu!news.uoregon.edu!hammer.uoregon.edu!news-xfer.netaxs.com!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!sprint!howland.erols.net!torn!nott!cunews!freenet-news.carleton.ca!FreeNet.Carleton.CA!cb602 Sun Apr 13 18:13:14 1997 Path: marlin.ucsf.edu!news.uoregon.edu!hammer.uoregon.edu!news-xfer.netaxs.com!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news-peer.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!sprint!howland.erols.net!torn!nott!cunews!freenet-news.carleton.ca!FreeNet.Carleton.CA!cb602 From: cb602@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Hyatt Saikin) Newsgroups: alt.tasteless.jokes Subject: Tasteless but True Date: 12 Apr 1997 13:37:53 GMT Organization: The National Capital FreeNet Lines: 184 Message-ID: <5io37h$osc@freenet-news.carleton.ca> Reply-To: cb602@FreeNet.Carleton.CA (Hyatt Saikin) NNTP-Posting-Host: freenet6.carleton.ca X-Given-Sender: cb602@freenet6.carleton.ca (Hyatt Saikin) Xref: marlin.ucsf.edu alt.tasteless.jokes:56041 These were all news stories in one print media or another >>>Man Shot by Son Over Donkey Penis Transplant Source: AFP ANKARA (02-10) - A 52-year-old Turkish man was shot in the leg by his own son over his intentions to have a penis transplant from a donkey. On two previous occasions Mehmet Esirgen, 52, purchased two donkeys, amputated their sexual organs and appealed in vain to medical doctors to perform a penis transplant in order to cure his sexual impotence. His family, opposed to Esirgen's intentions, became hysterical when he purchased a third donkey on his way home from Ankara and one of his sons shot him in the leg. "For a long time now I have had sexual problems and I have spent all my pension funds to overcome them," said Esirgen. He plans to buy a fourth donkey as soon as he recovers from his leg wound. ------------------------- >>> from the LA Times. "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in, "he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. ----------------------------- >>>Handgun Used As Medicine Inhaler Source: The Tribune-Review Submitted by: Mike Getz mgetz@SourceDigital.com PITTSBURGH (02-06) - An Indiana County man shot himself in the mouth after he mistook a .22 caliber gun for a medicine inhaler. Daniel Sutherland, 49, kept both the inhaler and gun in the same drawer and accidentally shot himself just before 2 a.m. Wednesday. He was airlifted to Presbyterian University Hospital in Pittsburgh where he was listed in fair condition. The .22 caliber bullet did not exit his head. "No one really knows what happened but him," Sutherland's step-daughter Christina Bashline said. She also added that Sutherland was taking pain medication. She did not confirm the police report that her step-father mistook the gun for a medicine inhaler. >>>Bacon to Attract Wild Animals Used in Assault Source: Daily World, Aberdeen, WA., AP Submitted by: Cecile Calabrese, editor, Rain Barrel ccalabr1@mickey.esd113.wednet.edu COLVILLE, Wash. (02-07) - Two men tied down a relative and placed strips of bacon around him to attract wild animals to kill him. James L. Peterson, 39, was tied down and stretched across a rural road by two of his relatives. The two assailants placed bacon around him in the hope that wild animals would be attracted by the smell and eat Peterson. Peterson freed himself and called for help. One suspect, Randy Thomas, has been arrested and police is currently seeking the second assailant. No reasons were given as why the two men wanted Peterson dead. ------------------------- >>>Zoo Workers Arrested for Eating Rare Deer Source: AP BEIJING (02-06) - Two Chinese zoo workers have been arrested for killing and eating a rare white fallow deer. According to police the two men climbed into the cage at the Wuhan Zoo, choked the deer, skinned it, chopped it up and finally ate parts of it. Zhou Qisheng and Zhou Yong were arrested after authorities found deer meat and tools at their homes. It is believed the two men came up with the idea while playing a game of cards while working at the zoo. China has strict laws, including the death penalty, in relation to endangering protected animals but it is not yet known how the two men would be charged. ------------------------- >>>Man Burns Woman On A Stake Source: AP SEVASTOPOL, Ukraine (02-06) - A man who believed his next-door neighbor was a "full-blooded witch" burned her to death on a stake. The 29-year-old man from the Black Sea peninsula of Crimea believed the woman was responsible for the deaths of his mother and dog by "casting evil spells and curses" on his family. The man, identified only as Ivan S., forced his way into the neighbor's house, smashed her head with a hammer and dragged her to a nearby vineyard where he tied her to a stake and burned her to death. ---------------------------- >>>Judge Postpones 'Maguire' Lawsuit Decision Source: LB Press-Telegram LOS ANGELES (02-10) - U.S. District Court Judge Stephen Wilson was either dead tired or dead bored while watching the movie "Jerry Maguire," and had to postpone his decision over a $110 million lawsuit against the producers of the movie. Reebok International Ltd. sued TriStar Pictures for not running a commercial during the movie's closing credits. The box office hit "Jerry Maguire" starring Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr. was to be watched by Judge Wilson who was supposed to decide whether to dismiss the lawsuit. The judge postponed his decision after falling asleep during the movie. ----------------- >>>IN OTHER BIZARRE NEWS: +++ OCALA, Fl. - A 5-year-old was suspended from school for carrying a nail file. +++ KISSIMMEE, Fl. (USA Today, 02-07) - Osceola School officials fired teacher Holly Hendricks for taping a boy's mouth shut and sealing him in a box. +++ SUNFLOWER, Miss. (02-07) - A 13-year-old boy found a cooler full of dynamite in a field and did what he thought he was supposed to do. He plunked it down on Police Chief Jerry Hawkins' desk. "It's a miracle he didn't blow himself up," he said. +++ PARIS, (Reuter, 02-10) - While burglarizing a home, an anonymous man was shocked to find video tapes containing child sex and decided to mail them to a police station. Homeowner Michel Chretien, 48, faces 10 years in prison if convicted. +++ BUCHAREST, Romania (Reuter, 02-05) - Orion Radio Station employees are taking turns to climb on the station's roof to shout and throw stones at hundreds of crows responsible for jamming their signal each time they land on the transmission antenna. -- Hyatt Saikin Ottawa, Ontario ***** A Passion for Promotions *****