From dreamers_den@nos[pamnet.com Mon Mar 9 19:58:19 1998 Date: Sun, 15 Feb 1998 21:46:07 -0500 From: dreamer Reply-To: dreamers_den@nospamnet.com Newsgroups: rec.humor Subject: Joke Swap Mailing List Below is a copy of the latest issue of the Dreamer's Den JOKE SWAP mailing list. Info to subscribe to this free list can be found at http://www.conknet.com/~dreamers_den/Maillist.html ################################################### ~~~~~~ There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know. ~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the new game in the White House? Swallow the Leader! What's the headline in tomorrow's papers? BUSH Beats Clinton! What did Al Gore say when he heard of Clinton's troubles? I'm only one orgasm away from the Presidency! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man in a bar with his Labrador at his feet was intrigued to see another dog owner enter the bar. "That's a strange looking dog you have there," he said. "Yes, he is rather," said the newcomer, "but he's a great fighter." "Is he now? I bet he isn't as good a fighter as my Fang here." "All right - how much do you wanna bet?" "Ten dollars." "You're on." So the two men let their dogs fight. Eventually the Labrador crawled, battered and bloody, to his master's side. "I'd never thought I'd see Fang get defeated," said the loser's master, handing over the ten dollars, "especially by such an odd-looking one like yours." "Yes, he does look a little peculiar," agreed the winner's master. "But he looked even odder before I shaved his mane off . . . " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Can you pay in cash?" "I'm afraid I can't, Sister." "Do you have any close relatives, then?" "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun." "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God." "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in- law." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A married guy was out getting a little "strange stuff" when he suffered a massive heart attack and died... The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying "Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can't get to go away... What would you like us to do?" To which she replied, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me... Cut it off and stuff it in his ass." When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband's face as he lay in the casket... Bending over him she said softly, "Hurts, doesn't it?" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ What's the latest game played at the White House? Swallow the leader. How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again." What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of Deep Throat. What advice did Yasar Arafat give Clinton in their meeting last week? "Bill....Goats don't talk!!" What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? They both heard a giant sucking sound What was the draft title of Hillary's book? "It Takes a Village to Satisfy my Husband" Who were Monica's closest friends during her internship? Kneel and Bobb Has the President changed his official title? Yes, from Commander-in-Chief to Seaman First Class What was Clinton's excuse this time? "I didn't impale" Q: Why does Bill Clinton cheat on Hillary? A: He wants to be on top. Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down? A: He married her. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Yesterday, President Clinton was interviewed by Jim Lehrer on his Alleged affair with a whitehouse intern and subsequent alleged subornation of her perjury. Clinton said, "I'm just trying to suppress my natural impulses and get back to work." Well put. In light of the latest allegations against President Clinton, Woodward and Bernstein of Watergate fame are in negotiations with publishers to write a new book about the scandal. Working title: "All the President's Women." Mike McCurry, White House Spokesman, just told reporters that "The president really wants to be in a position to satisfy people with his performance." Isn't that the whole problem? It occurred to me on the way back from lunch today that there was really only *one* suitable name for the latest Clinton scandal: "Willie-gate" Remember, you heard it here first...